The child’s mother looks exhausted all the time. Could that be a cause for ADD/Asperger
It’s more likely an effect. Consider what her life is like: she has to constantly monitor what is going on regarding her ADD/Asperger child, thwart anything that might trigger a meltdown, predict the child’s reactions in all situations and respond immediately, look for opportunities to teach the child social behavior without creating a scene, and so on - every minute, every day. So it’s not surprising that she doesn’t feel like sitting down for a cup of tea with you and making small talk!
The truth is that the majority of mothers of ADD/Asperger children struggle with depression. While the special services she will receive over the next few years should help in some ways, she will still be the one to deal with the day-to-day difficulties of raising an unusual child. For many mothers, this means ceaseless work, often to the exclusion of their own needs. Their physical, mental and emotional exhaustion can have a profound effect on the health and happiness of the entire family.
For this reason, mothers of ADD/Asperger children need those closest to them to give their full, unconditional support, both in words and in action.
I’d like to help out and get involved. But my son and his wife always get defensive no matter what I say.
Your son and daughter-in-law are now so used to defending their child that it comes as second nature. Give them some time. Once they are more certain of your support, they will be less sensitive.
In the meantime, think carefully before you speak. Choose expressions that suggest sympathy and genuine curiosity, and avoid those that convey criticism. For example, instead of saying ‘He looks perfectly normal to me’, you can say ‘He’s doing really well.’ Phrase ideas as questions, not judgments by saying ‘Have you thought about…’ rather than ‘It’s probably…’.
The most destructive things you can say are those that convey your lack of trust in their ability to parent, your disdain for the diagnosis, and your unwillingness to make accommodations.
Here are some real-life examples gathered from mothers of ADD/Asperger children:
‘Just let him spend more time with us. We’ll whip him into shape!’
‘She may act that way at home, but she’s not going to do that in MY house!’
‘He wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t work.’
‘I managed all by myself with four kids. You’ve just got two, and you can’t handle them!’
‘Don’t believe everything those psychologists tell you. He’ll just grow out of it, wait and see!’
‘There’s nothing wrong with her. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Are you sure you’re not the one that needs to see a psychologist?’
‘He’s having all these problems because you took him out of school for that home-schooling nonsense.’
‘Everybody’s got to have a problem with a fancy name these days!’
‘All you ever do is complain about how hard your life is.’
Ouch!
Keep in mind that parents of ADD/Asperger children face these hurtful, humiliating attitudes every day - from bus drivers to teachers, doctors to neighbors. Their tolerance level for such opinionated criticism is low, especially since they spend every bit of their energy raising their difficult child. So avoid insensitive comments at all costs.
And if you unwittingly blurt out something the wrong way, be sure to apologize.
